Max overhearing me ordering dinner

Max: "Daddy, why did you just tell that person on the phone you wanted a 'crazy salad'?"
Me: "I didn't.  That was a 'caprese salad'".

Max to one of his friends, a child of divorce with a new stepmom, regarding the new stepmom

"Why did you rotate to somebody new?"

Max & Jenn Looking at a Picture of our Last (Child-Free) Vacation

Jenn: (sighing)
Max: Mommy, why did you make that noise?
Jenn: Because that was just a little slice of heaven.
Max: Mommy, what's heaven?
Me: Jenn, you can feel free to field this question.

Yikes, we're doomed

Max: "Spongebob inspires me!"